1. |
What You Want to Hear
04:02
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When I say I’m fine, I’m really not. I just don’t want anyone concerned for me. That time I got so drunk and spilled my guts, and played it off. I’m still waiting for you to cut me off, scream “You’re a god damn drunk, and I don’t love you anymore.” When my time comes, I’m scared that I’m going out less like a poem. When I say I’m fine, I’m really not. When I say goodbye, I hope next time I mean it. I’m waiting for someone that I have hurt to kick me in the head while I am blacked out. When my time comes, I’m scared that I’m going out less like a poem and more like an OD in a shitty motel bathroom, more like a car crash, killing everyone on impact. I’m telling everyone what they wanna hear cause no one wants to think there might have been something that someone could have done. There’s nothing that you could have done.
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2. |
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Tell yourself to stop and remember this. Because this is important. But I can’t remember anything important. It’s strange, what keeps and what we lose. The most vivid memory I have of my father is the two of us in an elevator. The way he laughed when it stopped suddenly. Then it ends suddenly.
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3. |
Grief
01:56
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I wake up in a room I decorated once. When I was convinced I’d get better. Your scented candles unlit on the shelf. Says they’re pine, but it’s you I smell. Can you still make that sound with your knuckles? I always thought you’d hurt yourself. I always knew you’d be stronger, but grief’s an elixir. And I’d drink a toast to staying young. That shit I’d say about believing in God, and how I’d see my dad again. I started thinking of life as something I could end at will. I needed to hate someone, and I figured that I would do. Do you still flinch when your father raises his voice? “I’ll Catch You” plays, I swear, whenever I’m thinking of how this could be the end. I know I’m loyal to my grief. More than I ever was to you. I’ll catch nothing but my voice inside my throat.
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4. |
I Met You Like a River
02:21
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There was a bottle of pills in the medicine cabinet. They were behind the mirror. I had to look at myself when I wanted to take something, try to fix something. I mean, to help me stop my breath. A few years ago I let those pills expire instead of me. Around the time I started collecting loose change and saving for some future I realized I’d like to see. There were a handful of months when I couldn’t stay sober. There were the days when I privately poisoned myself. A coffee table built of cheap fence wood so weak it could only support my empty cans. And that was fine. I gave it my all. I gave it nothing. A few years ago we met like joining rivers. We were always flowing the same way, it just took us years to reach the lake. I’ve turned the page so desperately, the fresh ink has stained my fingertips. I worry I might leave prints on something clean. I live like something is watching me. Waiting for when I renew my prescription.
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5. |
Cheap Black Dress Shoes
03:10
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Leave the car running in the cold. Step out of the driver’s seat while that song you loved plays on the radio. Unlock the bolt and count each step I’m taking into your old home. I’m breathing out your name. I see it in the air, ask the darkness if there’s any way you could still be here. But I know. There are hopes and there are ghosts. Can you tell me if it hurts? When you were dying alone, I was out drinking with friends. How many cars on that road just drove by? I schedule my appointments for any time I think I’ll think and think of you. I keep all my prescription pills in a coffee can. I always know where the exits are. I keep a planner with nothing written in it. I still flip through its pages. I’ve stored away some larger bills. I drink from paper cups and stay away from messes I can’t just wip e away. I see it. It’s so clear. Your daughter dancing. Her small feet on top of these cheap black dress shoes.
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